Tag: parenting

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Liturgical Parenting

Dear friend,

I view parenting as a form of liturgical living. There is room for spontaneity, but ultimately parenting must be rooted in consistent self-giving, discipline, and joy.

First, self-giving means that parents learn that to father or to mother is necessarily to die; not to die physically, but to die sacrificially. I was once told by a father that he needed more “me” time, which meant time away from the children. I understand this father’s desire for some peace and quiet. Every parent does. But what “me” time communicates is a sense of independence that we lost the second that first cry bursts from the womb. Parenting is precisely giving up your independence for the sake of the weak.

Second, discipline refers to the necessary ability to apply some negative judgment whether through spanking or other methods. We know at times a simple conversation can elicit important data that frames the disposition of children towards obedience.

Children answer differently to discipline, so a parent needs to know well the personality of each child as well as be aware of their growth and how discipline changes with age. Yet, the liturgical principle is consistency. Coupled with that is the importance of constant affirmation of your child’s image-bearing status which is a positive application that goes side by side with discipline. Prior to Jesus’ mission to war with the devil in the wilderness (Matt. 4), he was first showered with loving words by his Father: “You are my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

Finally, parental liturgy entails joy. A poet once wrote about her fondest memory being returning home after school to the smile of her mother. Joy moves the liturgy from glory to glory; grace to grace. A joyful liturgy in the home makes self-giving and discipline a richer parental experience and also accentuates the life and experiences of children. Every good liturgy requires smiles and hugs and kisses. If joy is missing, the first and second elements will become burdensome.

If you don’t know if these steps are applied faithfully (not perfectly), then you may need to sit with your oldest child or a friend who knows your family well and ask if he/she sees these elements applied in the home and which element requires more emphasis.

Liturgies are meant to be practiced, rehearsed, and exercised.

Blessings in Christ,

Pastor Brito

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Parenting Together

I receive lots of questions on parenting via private messages and other venues. Part of it is that I wrote a small book on it several years ago (which probably can be revised to add an additional 7-15 chapters), some speaking on the subject, pastoral counseling, and partly because it’s a conversation I have with lots of parents on a regular basis and partly because I am in the middle of the battle with five kids ranging from 3-12. Everything is fresh and applicable, and in certain seasons, smell-able.

Whatever piece of wisdom I offer may stem from the incalculable amount of hours I’ve spent reading on parenting over the last 15 years and hopefully, and primary, a heavy dose of biblical wisdom. But as we all know, the entire process is a flurry of unexpectedness. Parenting is not formulaic, it’s relational adjustments momentarily and momentously. Parenting is the art of adjusting to circumstances well.

As a member of the hated patriarch, I support a healthy dose of rituals that shape a home. Some things ought to be consistent like a Tom Brady Superbowl ring. Family worship should happen consistently, but not rigidly like a Puritan songbook. Table dinners together should happen as frequently as possible. But none of these things are Gospel necessities. We are not saved by food or singing, but by faith alone. Faith manifests itself in food and singing and Bible reading and table fellowship, but those are not the final ingredients of justification. Of course, my entire public writing history is a history of encouraging those endeavors as unto the Lord. But I hope I have not treated them as a self-help manual.

However, but, therefore, alas, ergo, the essence of parenting is the existential perspective. Parenting is looking to the future in the heart of the daily existence.

Let’s assume we have a terrible day of parenting where we spent the entire day practicing spanking rituals (Siri, please hide that last phrase from woke moms), and we are exhausted enough that the only solution after they go down is to make the heart glad with a glass of wine or two, then we ponder, “What did I do wrong?” The answer is not what you did wrong, but what you did right. Solomon was fond of speaking of discipline because he saw the long-term benefits of those rites. The rituals of discipline–done biblically– were as instructive as the rituals of kissing.

The point is that parenting can too easily be seduced into an apocalyptic nightmare. If our child does not act like the well-trained 6-year-old scholar, we run into despair. Remember, however, that the whole business of “out of the heart the mouth speaks” still applies no matter how well prepared a child may look. The most obscene figures in our society are well-put-together human beings.

The faithful parent sees each trial as a step into more faithfulness. When our child was really tiny, there was a mom who was fond of corrections. Mind you, we were in our 20’s with a new-born and what we needed was the kind of masterful encouragement that bore fruit in perseverance. But in this case, this mom added her incessant creative solutions to help our child stop crying, or behave better, or nurse better. You can take one or two words of wisdom, but when such a fellow traveler begins to offer unsolicited advice, then we call such folks societal nuisances. Quickly I discovered that such people would not make good friends for my wife nor for my little tribe.

Parenting is done best in the daily walk, not in the ideal. If we hide the struggle while pursuing the ideal, we will die in the pursuit. Friends whose first response to your parenting trials is to offer alternative structures to everything are not really friending your parenting, but acting as demoralizers. Parents of little ones need other parents who can come alongside and gently add the comfort of the Spirit when things are in survival mode around the house, and add a point of exhortation when you are beginning to treat parenting like a hippie–“Let Jonny do as he pleases!”

Communities embody a cohesive system of parenting, especially the longer they are together. That’s good and noble. But if the standard is unreachable and captain sad-you-see treats your parenting like an opportunity to exercise his great gift of discernment, that’s a loss to the community-building exercise.

When you are at the stage we were 12 years ago with all the book-knowledge and no practical experience, seek the blessing of a family who is a little or relatively ahead of you and pour your question-repertoire upon them. Let them bless you with their lessons, and if they are gentle souls who are honest about the trying little years, buy them good food and seek them as often as they are able to found. Those are the people you wish to grow into as parents. The same applies to any stage of parenting. The secret is that there is no secret, but faithful living and faithful inquiry and faithful trying and failing and trying and living more faithfully as a father or mother. To “train up a child” is not a slogan for formulaism, it’s a proverb for long, painful, but rejoicing and learning parenting.

Paint the beautiful picture, but do not forget the millions of dots that compose that picture. Each step is grace to cover our faults and to join our hearts to our children and theirs to ours. Go in peace to live another day in that grace.

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Micro-Managing Children

Micro-managing our children is a poor strategy. Yes, we need to protect, but micro-managing parents suck the life out of children. Not all their mistakes nor the poor use of words need to be corrected. Some of the most joyful children I’ve met were not micro-managed, but talked to and treated by parents with utmost respect. If we exert micro-managing authority, children will find ways to manage their sins in the dark. If we exert our authority in love, respect, and openness, our children will by God’s grace lovingly, respectfully, and openly speak of and confess their sins.

Additional Comments:

” I do think that micro-managing finds a more suitable home in home-schooling environments for a variety of reasons which are too many to list. But I see this tendency lived out in patriarchal-like circles in a tendency to isolate from church life and preserve a certain pride in our “way of doing things,” and refusing to be like “them.” The result is a new generation of sophisticated atheists who know how to think and use their stories of growing up in such environments to write blogs and start Facebook pages for disenfranchised children of such parents. It’s almost a movement.”

” I wonder how many of us have the boldness to ask those who know us to honestly assess if we fit that description.”

“My central point being that micro-managing produces children who do not confess or are afraid to confess their faults and failures.”

Image result for micromanaging dilbert

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Parental Spontaneity

Have you ever been in the middle of a phone call or a conversation with someone else and been interrupted by your children? I have many times, and I am certain I have not always responded the right way. To say parenting is difficult is a profound understatement. As I mentioned in my little booklet, The Trinitarian Father, being a parent requires that you embody many roles at the same time. Paul Tripp summarized this when he says that parenting demands spontaneity:

Parenting is all about living by the principle of prepared spontaneity. You don’t really know what’s going to happen next. You don’t really know when you’ll have enforce a command, intervene in an argument, confront a wrong, holdout for a better way, remind someone of a truth, call for forgiveness, lead someone to confession, point to Jesus, restore peace, hold someone accountable, explain a wisdom principle, give a hug of love, laugh in the face of adversity, help someone complete a task, mediate an argument, stop with someone and pray, assist someone to see their heart, or talk once again about what it means to live together in a community of love. a

We are not just speaking of making up rules as we go, but of a prepared spontaneity. This demands wisdom; wisdom that at times is not available in a handy “how to” book. Wisdom that needs to be gained in community; a community that struggles together with you and is not afraid to consider and learn from their mistakes.

What is easier? To ground a child after an act of disobedience or to speak and nurture a child after the act? What is easier? To separate two children after a dispute and send them to their separate rooms or to engage them each and teach them how to confess sin and find reconciliation? Parenting is hard because dealing with the consequences of our children’s sin is time consuming.

Instead of dealing with each issue the easy way, and instead of treating each sin as an interruption, the ways of God demand that we change our attitude about these things and realize that parenting “is never an interruption.” b We should look at our roles as parents as roles that demand constant interruption. When children rebel that history of rebellion is filled with fathers and mothers (mainly fathers) who did not use wisdom when their plans were interrupted, but who rather chose the easy way out.

We need to be spontaneous in our parenting, but not spontaneous to apply easy-fix answers,  but spontaneous enough to be interrupted regularly, and then choose the strategy of long-term discipleship.

  1. Parenting: It’s Never an Interruption  (back)
  2. Ibid.  (back)