On Why Outwardly Peaceful Marriages End

Dear friend,

You asked me to add some thoughts about why relatively outwardly peaceful marriages end in divorce. This is a truly complex question that requires a lot of nuances and some healthy counseling. The reality is that every marriage goes through periods of hopelessness. Some go through great travail for years and some survive under one roof with no joy and little flourishing, but as you stated, some do end in divorce.

On average, marriages are usually dissolved/destroyed on the first year or the 21st year. The first year is usually self-explanatory since many couples enter into this sacred vow with no understanding of marriage or its rituals. They are provided no spiritual counsel as to the purpose and priority of the other. They enter into it–contradicting the sacred vows–irreverently and indiscreetly. Perhaps there was an unwanted pregnancy, or social pressures from community, or a decision to confirm what they have been doing–sinfully–for too long.

The good news is that contrary to the statistics thrown around that 50% of Christians get divorced, the number is actually much lower (but that’s for another post). This does not entail a victory lap, but a note of soberness. Why is it still that a large portion of Christian marriages end in divorce? Set aside abuse and other legitimate reasons for divorce, most marriages simply end as a result of “hiddenness.” It’s a repeat of the shameful nakedness in the garden. Habits and ideas are hidden to the point where shame becomes a reason for anger and strife and division in the household. When a sense of guilt enters, we hide from one another. This does not determine the end; in fact, these marriages can be redeemed, but Spirit intervention is crucial and the angelic voices of faithful friends must come into the picture.

In most cases, individuals persist in marriage relationships for the sake of children, and in the meanwhile they craft independent lives, and little by little the soul withers leading to the 21st year number I mentioned at the beginning. The 21st year of marriage is often how long it takes for parents to be empty-nesters providing the opportunity to do what they did not do for so long.

What is prevalent is that these individuals have been dying for a long time and divorce becomes the way out; for some it becomes the solution to find happiness once again, but invariably they find more loneliness and sadness. But if a couple is still in that phase of processing their lives together, and if they still find displeasure as to where they are, the good news is that discovering unhappiness/hopelessness together is the very first step to renewal.

In my vocation, I have seen many cases of renewal, but the one thing evident in them all is that both decided things are not as they should be and that hiddenness does not bring life. And that simple decision takes courage because you have to abandon your superficial image of “all-rightism.” No, it’s not all-right. Your marriage is worth fighting for under God; your spouse is worthy of your repentance. In most cases, divorce is not the solution to your woes, it’s the dreadful end of something that could have been a visible manifestation of goodness, truth, and beauty in the world.