This is an important article. I hope you read intently each word. I would be so bold as to say that it may change everything you ever thought about the family. I am not one for hyperbole, though I wish I had written this piece a million times. Better, I wish I had the opportunity to practice this consistently in my own home. I am in the middle of the battle. I am not post-battle wishing I had done things differently in battle. I am in it. The diapers in my trash can prove it. The smell of spit-up–oh, that awful smell! My wife (peace be upon her) is amazing! She is quick to love, tempered, and full of patience. It is safe to say we have a perfect family. I never though it would have been so simple. After eight years of theological training, an almost completed counseling certification, and I think only the last few years I discovered that I have arrived. Our family is perfect. Our children are perfect. They are perfect in the precise way God intended them to be.
Now, you may ask: “I pray, dear sir, tell my thy secret?” Indeed I will. How to have a perfect family? Admit your imperfection as a parent. Legalists will never have perfect families because they will always set a standard that is too high for their children or themselves to fulfill. They refuse to see the error in their own ways, and they trap their children in a warming pot just comfortable enough for them to realize they are ok when in reality they are not. But the biblical parent is quick to admit his fault before his family. Go ahead. Try it. Perfection draws nigh.
It was a warm afternoon in North Florida. You may be tempted to think that that is the definition of Florida, but it’s not. This afternoon was particularly hot. At that moment I felt the unbearableness of being human. I felt exposed. Drops of sweat slowly creeped down my shirt. At that moment if Mother Teresa knocked my door I would have told her to come back later. So, it happened. One of my children disobeyed my direct orders. Mind you: at that moment the world revolved around me and my wet woes. I quickly reacted–told him to stop what he was doing in a less than tender voice and proceeded in my liturgy of self-pity. You see, at that moment I did not want a perfect family. I wanted my own perfection. That’s unhealthy. It took me a while before I was able to admit my stupidity. I did and quickly repented to God and my child. My child, by the way, quickly forgave me. It was beautiful. Just the way things ought to be. I had the perfect family at that moment.
I have discovered in my six years of parenting that I want a perfect family. Understand what I am saying. I want to be holy and perfect as God is holy and perfect. I don’t want to be perfect and holy in the same manner God is. God is infinitely holy and perfect. His perfection cannot be marred by sin. His holiness is all purity. But God wants us to be perfect not in any hypothetical way. That would be cruel. He wants us to be perfect like fallen human beings. He wants us to be perfect united to His Perfect Son, Jesus Christ. He wants us to be perfect by admitting our imperfection and our endless excuses to be something or expect something of our families that not even God expects.
Over the years I have seen perfect families. By that I mean I have seen fathers and mothers repent biblically and consistently. I have seen fathers seeking the heart of their children. It has been wonderful. The perfect family has laundry on their couches, dishes to be cleaned, but joyful voices around the house- voices that frighten God’s enemies. You cannot manipulate the joy of children. When there is unresolved discord in the home, we know. Trust me, we know. But when there is confession and consistent love they laugh. And that is perfection.
A counselee asked me jokingly recently, “What must I do to be saved?” I said without hesitation: be perfect. I went on to explain what that meant. To be perfect is not the state of knosis. It is no secret knowledge. In fact, it’s quite simple. It’s being open about your inadequacies and striving by the Spirit of God to be holy.
I know your world is not shattered by such propositions, but I hope it is an affirmation that parenting is hard and no amount of abstract theology will do. There is a lot of work to be done. This is not the place to do it, except to make the poiint that you can have the perfect family. Just admit often your imperfections. Don’t set up a standard for your children that is higher than what you would expect for yourself. And after all of that: thank Jesus. He is the author and perfector of our faith.
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