Category: Counseling/Pastoral Issues

Your question is a really significant one and it most likely resonates with other parents and I want to broaden the audience. So, thanks for the inquiry.

The question is, “How do I deal with my anxious child?” You mention that your child worries about everything from what she eats and who she may meet, or what people think of her, etc. Many children suffer through these anxieties in silence. And that, in the long term, can be problematic in the development and formation of his/her Christian faith. I have often stressed that silence in the home is not a justified rationale, even if you are an introvert. Families participate in each other’s lives; families incorporate into each other’s lives, whether they feel that’s important or not.

Fathers–especially–should set the context of good conversations and much deliberation and many question-takers. Too often, we use our child’s personalities to excuse their silence. We say, “Well, he’s just really quiet;” or, “he doesn’t like being around people.” These kinds of statements don’t help in the pursuit of Christian virtues. Solomon tells us that there is a time for all sorts of things, and there is an enormous virtue in listening, which is not the same thing as silence. Good listeners often are the best contributors to the good life.

Now, back to anxieties and worries. These things can be paralyzing, especially for little souls. They overwhelm their sense of being, thus isolating their feelings and thoughts from everyone else. There is an enormous amount of information to unpack on anxiety. Still, I believe the prevailing factor in whether anxieties are perpetuated or not is to break the silence mode in your son/daughter.

Even if you think there is no turning back, I beg to differ. There is always a turning back, and there is always the Gospel hope of a new orientation. Thus, if you claim your child suffers under the magnifying challenges of anxiety, opening him up is a massive step in that process. If this endeavor takes the next five years, do it! If it means taking some additional time off, do it!

I’d recommend a couple of practical steps:

First, fathers/mothers spend an additional amount of time with that child. If you have six kids, divide and conquer. Sometimes, you need to invest more time in one child for his well-being for the sake of the family’s well-being. Families must come together for the joy of those who are suffering.

I would encourage planned time with that child at a park, zoo, or restaurant and open the environment so that he can find the freedom to participate in the conversation without fearing what others may think.

Further, writing down specific questions for discussion can be really significant as well. Inquire about his routines, what he cherishes, what thoughts are prevailing in his mind these days, etc. These can nurture the child and may cause him to open himself to sharing his concerns, ideas, fears, and trepidations with life and people.

The second element is incorporating a heavy dose of affirmation when he thrives under challenging areas. I remember a child who once feared playing in a concert. The fear made her quiet and tense, and isolated. There was no perfect solution, but when that dad sat down with her to hear her piece and expressed appreciation for her efforts, she suddenly became confident to play in front of others. What she needed was the approval of her father that what she was doing was good and worthy.

Anxiety is often a relentless exaggerator, and parents need to set an example of minimizing the high expectations we have for our children by adding points of praise in the good and in the perseverance in the good. Even the slightest word of affirmation can bear great fruit in the long term.

If your anxious child is overwhelmed by anxiety, then our goal is to overwhelm her with the promise of a gentle Savior who accepts her and who calls her to come unto him even in her deepest fears.

I hope to continue this conversation. Of course, this is only a sample of a larger conversation, and I am praying that your little one will find joy in life and navigate wisely–through your guidance and love–these difficult waters.

Sincerely,

Pastor Brito

Dear friend,

You mentioned that nothing is going well in your life and that you feel lost and hopeless. Part of the struggle through a crisis is the temptation to ask the wrong questions. The most common one is to ask, “Why is this happening to me?” There is no sin in pondering that question as long as it doesn’t control the entire framework of examination. But if all you do is ask that question over and over, you will find yourself alternating between disappointment and anger.

When Jonah was in his serpentine submarine crisis, he looked to God’s temple (Jonah 2:7) for comfort. He began to ask new questions he had not contemplated in his pain. Instead of “Why is this happening to me?” he pondered, “How can hope lead me back to God’s presence?” Instead of, “Why me?” he asked, “When will I again offer praises to my God?” Jonah found comfort in the future glory of serving Yahweh again. Take it from someone whose entire journey is one of crisis and contentment only to repeat the dose.

It’s the question you ask yourself at such times that will orient your affections when such a time passes, and believe me, it will pass. When some normalcy returns, you can begin to see that your questions guided you to the right answers.

When our Father’s house seems distant, you will be tempted to forget his benefits. The questions you now ask will determine the answers you will give to life’s hardest trials. So, surround yourself with those who love and seek your good; who will push you closer to God’s house. Do not forsake the assembly, and always be within the sphere of the holy. Whether in the depths of the sea or in the tears of loss, betrayal, and bitterness, ask and it shall be given to you.

Renn’s piece over at First Things highlights numerous aspects of modern pastoral ministry that I addressed in my dissertation on pastoral longevity. Renn notes,

Negative world ministry requires pastors with Pauline toughness—both mental and emotional—as well as new approaches to structuring ministry.

He notes in the end that the negative world we live in will require emotional resiliency to stand fast in such days. Further, the pastoral ministry has undergone a host of challenges in these last two years that have made such endeavors more difficult than the ordinary difficulties inherent in pastoral work. Particularly striking is the new statistic on pastoral burnout observed from Barna:

40 percent of pastors had thought about leaving the ministry in the past year. The level of people thinking of leaving the ministry increased by nine percentage points in less than a year, with younger pastors more likely to consider leaving than their older brethren.

There is a massive exodus from clergy taking place and churches are having to restructure themselves to deal with these newer battles and the fundamental lacuna left in the absence of a shepherd. This, of course, impacts in even greater proportion pastors who are outspoken on social media concerning political issues. The examples of Abraham Cho (Keller’s successor) and Jason Meyer (Piper’s successor) are listed as examples of modern pastors who have voluntarily resigned without any public scandal. These examples abound all over the Presbyterian world as well. In one presbytery, there were examples of almost 1/3 of the pastors resigning during COVID because of issues pertaining to COVID measures. How to deal with it? How to approach it? To mask or not to mask? Do we meet on Sundays? Do we go to live stream? And other related matters.

Issues pertaining to race also played a major role in challenging pastoral ministries around the country. Pastors who speak boldly on the race-CRT issue–for or against–often find confrontation from parishioners a constant in their day-to-day efforts. Beyond the regular pastoral duties, he is having to add an entirely new extra layer of problems to his concerns. “Should I remain quiet in the midst of these obvious scandals in the church and society?” “Should I opine on this issue knowing that certain congregants feel very differently?” “Will they accuse me of being soft if I don’ speak up on these latest controversies?” A pastor could choose to remain silent on such matters, but in our day, silence is an interpretive mood. To be silent is to speak in some way.

Renn argues that among the solutions to avoiding the massive clergy exodus in our day is getting a part-time job to alleviate the pastoral burdens.

Operating under a bi-vocational model—adding a part-time, outside career—can help reduce that pressure in some situations. 

He notes the classic tent-making model that the apostle Paul had in his ministry. Also, adding mental and emotional resiliency to the day-to-day scenarios can provide additional stamina to the build-up of pastoral longevity in the church. The Apostle Paul endured various trials–both physical and mental–and yet persevered.

I argue that these elements are helpful, though building emotional and mental resilience can become easily ethereal. Will many of my woes disappear if I get a part-time job and find that I can easily be financially secure should troubles arise in my congregation? Perhaps. But it can also mean that a host of issues get pushed aside because the pastor simply does not have enough time to cultivate them. And even so, perhaps the problems do arise because they are being overlooked.

Pastoral ministry, in some ways, must be a totalistic endeavor. I argued in my dissertation for the need for three rituals: learning, leisure, and friendship. These realities and rhythms reshape pastoral ministry in times of need. They don’t solve the longevity problem, but they make the longevity problem less of a burden historically and sociologically.

Find a pastor who has resigned in these last two years, and there is certainly a major aspect of one of the three rituals lacking. He may be lonely, unheard; his dynamics of learning may have been lacking for quite some time due to his lack of preparedness, and his capacity for leisure ever decreasing in this era. All these things easily catapult pastors to a position of frailty and emotional breakdown.

Pastoral burnout is a problem, and I hope to address some of these issues in the coming weeks. Perhaps what America is facing is a decline of the priesthood; and with a decline of the priesthood, a decline of lucidity in ecclesiastical affairs, and therefore, societal as well. As the church goes, so goes the culture. And the church cannot go unless it is led.

Our goal at this stage of societal cognitive dissonance is to offer the world something remarkably simple. In fact, it’s so simple that people may scoff at the idea. I refer to the indispensable tool in the Christian manifesto, the undying and unadulterated joy of the saint.

We live in what one scholar referred to as the age of “post-persuasion.” People truly believe that a few acronyms and some tearing of historical monuments, and a heavy dose of cussing and magical talking points will convince the other side to give up the cause. But if you stand in your house or on the street and show some displays of hearty laughter and good ol’ fashioned cheer, the nations will rage in perplexity.

That simple display on social media and public encounters has the effect of revealing something more profound in our way of thinking; it reveals our inward disposition that does not necessitate hate or heavy intellectual artillery. I am more convinced that the gentle sister who finds joys in life and who worships her Christ with sincerity has a far greater chance of changing the hearts of some than the outrageous zealot who opines six times a day on social media looking for a chance to win the war on ideas.

The beauty of this season is that ideas are clearer than ever, and the source of those ideas are clearer than ever. When Jesus came, the people of God spread his fame so that our joy may be full. In an age of post-persuasion, we have a powerful responsibility to smile during communion, to laugh with our children, and to amuse ourselves to life in God.

After 9-11, I recall walking through airports with my long hair and brown skin. There were various eyes double and triple looking at the Latino man walking around the masses of people seeking his gate. I made the quick association that they were at least skeptical about my background. The country was attacked in apocalyptic fashion and there were specific groups of people singled out for that hideous crime.

I did not at that point assume there was an intrinsic attempt to de-humanize me or that society at large wanted me to disappear. I understood that society was going through civic shock. It is fairly established that when individuals go through particular traumas, their senses are heightened and their skepticism about peoples increase.

This is objectively true in individuals abused sexually, physically or verbally. Their hearts have been manipulated for such a long time that their response is to look at the world with the eyes of fear. They will need godly and faithful witnesses to walk with them through such pain.

And here is where I wish to add a particular caution to those on my side of the isle who look at this entire unrest and may conclude: “What are they (rioters, protesters) making such a big deal about; look at the numbers, etc.?” But that’s to minimize too much the deeper impact of what is happening. There are particular black men and women who have suffered profound mistreatment throughout their lives and the current scene gives them a heightened awareness of what they have gone through and tangible images of unkindness, racial epithets, and mistreatment emerge. These are not mental inventions, but real occurrences.

I venture to say that most rioters are opportunists (as already proven) using such environments to present civilization a piece of their hearts in the public square. But there are also some near to us who may have endured profound pain through the lips of individuals who prefer to diminish someone’s humanity than to affirm it. I want to give my voice to them and not the so-called revolutionaries who recently emerged from their mother’s basement.

If by structural racism we mean that sin permeates the people it touches holistically, then let adherents of total depravity affirm this. But what many mean by systemic racism is that entire groups of people share this common agenda of minimizing and destroying the well-being of others. This is utterly false and leads to generalizations that endanger our corporate civility.

We should affirm that there are particular individuals for whom hate has found a permanent home. They are structurally damaged and use such damage to hurt others in positions of authority or laity/civilian. They are to be rebuked and judged. But I must also walk uprightly knowing that if I hate my brother whom I see and claim to love God, the love of God is not in me. We must repent speedily of this.

My concern at this stage is not with masses of people for whom I can do little. My concern, which I believe should be ours, is to consider individuals who truly have suffered and endured particular shame and uplift their spirits and encourage them to good works of peace in the city. Our universal attempts to sympathize with the universe through somber black Instagram boxes are largely in vain, but our attempts to sympathize with those near to us bear good and tangible fruit. We overlook the real sufferers when we generalize pain; we suspend our skepticism when we seek to understand the real pain of our neighbor.

It needs to be stressed that our goal is not well-behaved children, but godly children. Godliness produces biblical joy and spontaneous smiles through life. There is a certain kind of well-behaved child that displays every sign of life but lacks a genuine interest in life. He says the right things, amens the Christian cliches and smiles at the mechanics of day-to-day interactions but within express a disdain for relationships and true holiness. Parents, don’t confuse both; cultivate “heart religion” by digging into your child’s emotions and imaginations. Bring out in daily conversations the heart of the matter so that the matters of the heart can be discussed and engaged. Don’t assume that right answers and right posture produce biblical godliness. Child-rearing is a daily interruption into a child’s life to awaken him from his slumber.