Your question is a really significant one and it most likely resonates with other parents and I want to broaden the audience. So, thanks for the inquiry.
The question is, “How do I deal with my anxious child?” You mention that your child worries about everything from what she eats and who she may meet, or what people think of her, etc. Many children suffer through these anxieties in silence. And that, in the long term, can be problematic in the development and formation of his/her Christian faith. I have often stressed that silence in the home is not a justified rationale, even if you are an introvert. Families participate in each other’s lives; families incorporate into each other’s lives, whether they feel that’s important or not.
Fathers–especially–should set the context of good conversations and much deliberation and many question-takers. Too often, we use our child’s personalities to excuse their silence. We say, “Well, he’s just really quiet;” or, “he doesn’t like being around people.” These kinds of statements don’t help in the pursuit of Christian virtues. Solomon tells us that there is a time for all sorts of things, and there is an enormous virtue in listening, which is not the same thing as silence. Good listeners often are the best contributors to the good life.
Now, back to anxieties and worries. These things can be paralyzing, especially for little souls. They overwhelm their sense of being, thus isolating their feelings and thoughts from everyone else. There is an enormous amount of information to unpack on anxiety. Still, I believe the prevailing factor in whether anxieties are perpetuated or not is to break the silence mode in your son/daughter.
Even if you think there is no turning back, I beg to differ. There is always a turning back, and there is always the Gospel hope of a new orientation. Thus, if you claim your child suffers under the magnifying challenges of anxiety, opening him up is a massive step in that process. If this endeavor takes the next five years, do it! If it means taking some additional time off, do it!
I’d recommend a couple of practical steps:
First, fathers/mothers spend an additional amount of time with that child. If you have six kids, divide and conquer. Sometimes, you need to invest more time in one child for his well-being for the sake of the family’s well-being. Families must come together for the joy of those who are suffering.
I would encourage planned time with that child at a park, zoo, or restaurant and open the environment so that he can find the freedom to participate in the conversation without fearing what others may think.
Further, writing down specific questions for discussion can be really significant as well. Inquire about his routines, what he cherishes, what thoughts are prevailing in his mind these days, etc. These can nurture the child and may cause him to open himself to sharing his concerns, ideas, fears, and trepidations with life and people.
The second element is incorporating a heavy dose of affirmation when he thrives under challenging areas. I remember a child who once feared playing in a concert. The fear made her quiet and tense, and isolated. There was no perfect solution, but when that dad sat down with her to hear her piece and expressed appreciation for her efforts, she suddenly became confident to play in front of others. What she needed was the approval of her father that what she was doing was good and worthy.
Anxiety is often a relentless exaggerator, and parents need to set an example of minimizing the high expectations we have for our children by adding points of praise in the good and in the perseverance in the good. Even the slightest word of affirmation can bear great fruit in the long term.
If your anxious child is overwhelmed by anxiety, then our goal is to overwhelm her with the promise of a gentle Savior who accepts her and who calls her to come unto him even in her deepest fears.
I hope to continue this conversation. Of course, this is only a sample of a larger conversation, and I am praying that your little one will find joy in life and navigate wisely–through your guidance and love–these difficult waters.
Sincerely,
Pastor Brito
