The New York Times ran an opinion piece this morning about the chaos that is sure to come in Thanksgiving tables around America. The writer observed that since the Trump victory in 2016, the nation has become more polarized than ever before (surely a naive assessment of history; as of yet, I have not beheaded anyone nor am I aware of recent beheadings due to disagreements; see Vikings and history in general).
I will have little disagreement with my family this Thanksgiving. We all share a basic sense of morality, a biblical imperative to love one another, and a host of experiences that validate our perspectives. Still, our ideas and experiences are unique to us; shaped by our academic or sociological backgrounds so that even in agreeable environments healthy debates can take place and new knowledge can be gained.
In some families, however, there will be radical differences on issues ranging from child-rearing to the role of government in society. Dr. Karin Tamerius observes that this process does not have to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone. You can actually learn how to have a productive conversation with someone with whom you disagree. Tamerius says the following are good starting points:
1. Ask open-ended, genuinely curious, nonjudgmental questions.
2. Listen to what people you disagree with say and deepen your understanding with follow-up inquiries.
3. Reflect back their perspective by summarizing their answers and noting underlying emotions.
4. Agree before disagreeing by naming ways in which you agree with their point of view.
5. Share your perspective by telling a story about a personal experience.
I would alter the fifth step by affirming your starting point and presupposition. While the personal narrative can be effective it ought not to replace the authority structure you follow in building your ethical standards. Of course, stating your authority (in my case, the biblical norm) will likely lead to further conversations about what makes one authority superior to another.
The principle here is: Don’t waste an exchange of ideas. Make Thanksgiving great again by engaging rightly and respectfully.
