In this final post on hospitality, I wish to offer some practical wisdom–the kind of wisdom that hopefully gets planted as a mustard seed and grows into a beautiful tree. It is no small task to host other humans. In most cases, everything goes as planned, but in a few cases, things fall apart.
I remember distinctly having a group of about 20 guests coming to my home after Lord’s Day worship. I had all the meat in the grill seasoned and slowly reaching perfection. I decided to take a quick break (no longer than two minutes), and when I came back, my grill looked like a scene from the great fire of London in 1666. I hurried my way to rescue the once innocent meat, but alas, the entire endeavor went to hell in an unkept grill.
We quickly adjusted and cooked other meat in the oven. Yes, we waited an additional hour, but had I not told the story to my guests, they would not have known since the conversation, and the drinks flowed beautifully during that entire hour of waiting. If we did not have additional meat, we would have ordered pizza. The moral of the story is that “every situation can be redeemed.”
I have a dear brother in Louisiana whose wife makes delicious gumbo. She makes enough to feed around 30; she sets the table and her assortment of hot sauces, and whoever is invited feeds on the southern delicacy. I know another sweet family of modest income who dedicates 10% of their budget to hospitality. In fact, the first two items on their budget are: “Tithing: 10%”; “Hospitality: 10%.” Not everyone will embrace that same vision, but everyone who walked through the doors of the home of this family walked out satisfied and refreshed by their hospitality.
I wish to conclude this delicious banquet with 15 practical theses on hospitality:
1. The husband is the head of the home. If he invites and imposes all the hospitality duties on his wife, he’s an idiot. Hospitality is a family affair which means husbands are to be involved and children are to be trained to participate in the preparation. If they begin young, they will master it when older.
2. Make hospitality a priority and budget for such. When people say they cannot host because it is expensive, I often ask if they eat out much. In most cases, they do. A family of 5 will pay between $40-60 at a restaurant. That same amount could easily feed about 15 people on a Sunday afternoon. Hospitality is about priorities.
3. Every wife (or husband, if he fancies the chef) should learn 3-5 meals that feed larger groups. The videos and recipes are often given in a very precise fashion, making learning fairly easy to follow.
4. Hospitality is an opportunity to know others. Engage people. Ask questions. Get out of the scene as much as possible and make room for others to be known. Remember that the intimacy of a house is probably the most social some people will ever be. Bring the timid into conversations and learn to engage with good questions. This latter will take practice for some, which is why more hospitality is good practice.
5. Abandon any sense of competition. Sometimes people will say, “But my house cannot host this many.” Again, this is not a competition. If you can host two people, then let it be done with joy and not envy for those who can host 20. I have eaten in $1 million homes and $100K homes. The difference is not the quality or quantity of food but the heart of the fellowship (Prov. 15:17).
6. It’s easy to get into a comfortable hosting rotation of families that are just like you. That’s wonderful and good. But also remember the diversity of the church. Invite those with different interests, especially the single and widows, into your home.
7. Set the rules early. “Ok, everyone! That room is off-limits to the kids. The bathroom is located in that room. There are some games for the kids in the playroom. The drinks are in that fridge.” You are hosting, and therefore, you set the rules. We do it every time, and with a little cooperation, the rules become a host’s best friend.
8. Sing. We print a hymn or invest in 20 hymnals for the family. We sing almost every time we have folks over. If you have a familiar crowd, choose your favorites, but if a more diverse crowd, choose a classic hymn/psalm that everyone may know. We gather around the table, sing and pray. It’s that simple (as a side note, train your boys to give the opening pitch).
9. Moms with big families and little ones rarely rest when they are invited somewhere. They are changing diapers, feeding little infants, keeping children from breaking things, etc. If you have a responsible child, assign him or her to some of these duties to give our guests some level of peace. This is especially fruitful if you have young girls/ladies in the home.
10. Enjoy conversations on every topic. Literally, everything is on the table. Religion, politics, and local breweries. But hesitate to tweet at the table. You don’t have to opine strongly about issues. We don’t need to hear about your theories about the COVID infection rate on Mars or your favorite Alex Jones impersonation.
11. Love people. And men, love especially your wives. In our home, we have decided that as a pastor’s family, we are generally incapable of getting the kids home after church and doing final touches for the folks coming at mid-day for lunch. As a pastor, I go through a stage called “Partly dead” between the hours of 11-3 in the afternoon on a Sunday. My exhaustion level is high, my kids need a nap, and the house needs to Sabbath before Sabbathing.
So, the principle here is to know your limits. What we do around the Brito household is to reserve our Sunday hospitality for later afternoon, around 5pm, instead of right after church. When we have guests from out of town traveling, we will have them over right after church, but in most cases, we rest and then host. It’s been life-changing for us.
12. Hosting does not only mean formalized meals. We have weekly “Wine/Dessert and Song” evenings with friends. It’s a simple way to have folks over for enjoyable fellowship. Sometimes we invite them to come a little later. It’s hard to believe, but sometimes parents enjoy talking with other big people uninterrupted.
13. Hospitality builds community. I suspect that people who don’t host are people either ignorant or disobedient to the Gospel or people who have unwarranted fears. Those who don’t host will often feel left out and may have a tendency to isolate himself/herself from the community. After a while, this tendency will build poor habits in the faith. Hosting re-affirms the centrality of Church life.
14. Host. How often? Just host. Some will begin hosting once a month; that’s twelve times a year. Some will host weekly or twice a week. Some will host 30 people; others 3. Just host. Pull out your church directory and start picking names.
15. Make hospitality a topic of conversation in the home. There was a time when my daughter would go around the church inviting people on our behalf. We were shocked to know 50 people were coming over for a meal. After a while, I thought to myself, we taught her that hosting is normal, and she imitates us. What else should we expect? We may need to moderate her enthusiasm but let the joy of the Lord flow in our homes and hearts. The more you talk about hospitality, the more desired it will be.
May our God build our homes and lift our hearts to the joy of the table! May heaven come down every time we open our doors!
Pastor Brito. I’m truly thankful for your thoughts on hospitality regarding the broader church. It is so much needed. But is it a requirement for Elders in the church? Loaded question in light of the scriptures, but you don’t seem to address it.